Why Your Team Is Overrated: The Indianapolis Colts

Trust me folks, I’m not writing this because the Colts have beaten the Chiefs way too many times for me to count. Actually the last time KC bounced Indy from the playoffs, and that was when the Colts still had Andrew Luck. No this is aimed at a franchise that despite having had multiple good and or great QBs and one Hall of Fame QB force his way to another team come draft time, they don’t have much in the way of rings to show for it. It’s quite pathetic, actually, even though I’ll admit my favorite team the Chiefs have the same number of Super Bowl wins.

That may or not may last, considering the Colts decided to sign…*checks notes* Matt Ryan, a QB present for the worst collapse in Super Bowl history. I’m not sure you can blame him for that one, yet I know he didn’t help. The Colts have given up on drafting or developing QBs and will probably continue to drunkenly swap in old QBs for the foreseeable future. This makes sense when you look at who the owner is: Jim Irsay, who has a history of both drug and alcohol abuse. In the NFL though that doesn’t matter when it comes to owners, and so Irsay will keep on running the team until he finally shuffles off his mortal coil on some acid trip while playing his guitar. To be replaced by his daughter, probably.

He looks so glad he escaped Atlanta. That’s how bad the Falcons were that someone would be happy to end up in Indiana.

Can Indy actually win the division? Eh, probably since it’s a joke and only the Titans offer up any possible resistance. The AFC South and NFC South are the two worst divisions in football imo, although I still give the edge to the AFC one just because at least the NFC one has one more total ring. It’s beyond pathetic and a reminder that for some parts of the NFL, division realignment would be equal parts necessary and a blessing.

What’s Not Overrated: Michael Pittman Jr. is very talented, as is the offensive line. Give that man the ball and watch him fly.

Enjoy It While It Lasts: Jonathan Taylor is a beast and yet as everyone knows running backs have a tragically short shelf life these days. Also Ryan isn’t exactly a spring chicken. Did I mention I drafted Ryan as a backup in my Yahoo league? Thank God that league is free.

Oddly for reasons I can’t explain I could see this team making a Super Bowl run just because the defense is solid enough and they could simply copy the Rams and the Bucs Super Bowl blueprints. Most likely this season ends in a depressing divisional round loss that wastes another year of Taylor. Still, you could root for a worse team in the Midwest. I’m looking at you, Browns….

Why Your Team Is Overrated: Phoenix Suns

Full disclosure: I’ve been a Phoenix Suns fan since 1992, age 6. In my lifetime they’ve gone to two NBA Finals and lost them both in heart breaking fashion to stacked Midwest teams lead by a dominating main player. The other sickening irony is that both those teams are rivals in the same division. I expect the Suns to lose their next title game appearance to another Midwest team from the Eastern Central division. Or blow it against the same team again. I donno nor do I really care. I should be dead inside to these jokers screwing up but I’m not. It still hurts a lot.

My great grandparents who passed away years ago used to live in Phoenix and so I visited there as a kid and got hooked on the Suns. I thought Charles Barkley was so cool and I still do. Little did I know their sad history of being one of the most winning NBA franchises to never win a title. They are literally the Minnesota Vikings of the NBA, West Coast version, only the Vikings actually managed to make the Super Bowl more times than the Suns have sniffed the NBA Finals. Being a fan of either team is an exercise in misery on a different scale. You witness success until it counts the most and watch division rivals achieve the goal you keep striving for every season.

This was fun until it ended all in tears

In fact I’m convinced this is an abusive relationship that I’m unwilling or unable to quit. Maybe this team will finally break through and achieve the dream. Maybe I’ll find a nice woman to settle down with and find a real career. I doubt any of this ever happens. Robert Sarver is a giant piece of shit who should be forced to sell the team and then shot into the sun. I live in Iowa and like the Bucks a lot actually and have much better options in different states to root for yet I continue to stick with the choke artists from a state I’ve only visited once. Why, I can’t tell you. I’ll quit drinking before I finally give up on these jokers.

What isn’t overrated: Devin Booker and the young core are fun to watch. This team has two Cams. Cam!

Enjoy It While It Lasts: Chris Paul keeps besting Father Time although that bill will surely come due when the Suns can least afford it.

There’s still hope this team can win a title and give the long suffering fanbase some real meaningful joy. Ha ha…oh boy. Go Suns! Fuck me.

Why Your Team is Overrated: Iowa State Cyclones

New series borrowed/stolen/whatever from um, someone else. Anyways this takes aim for the time being at college football teams. First up, Iowa State.

Congrats on never winning anything in your entire history until last season, and that came against an Oregon team that lucked their way backwards into a good BCS bowl. Yes those bowl games still matter until they eventually expand the College Football Playoff. Last season was as good as it’s ever going to get for the Cyclones. They beat Oklahoma once, then lost to them in the Big 12 title game when it actually mattered.

Sure they also got Texas’s coach fired, yet Texas chokes as hard as ISU does these days and then some. ISU also lost to an Oklahoma State Cowboys team that they should have beaten by now. Oklahoma teams own their shit. Oh hey I almost forgot that embarrassing early season loss to Louisiana that I’m sure everyone blamed on covid somehow. It’s probably for the best they didn’t play Iowa last season.

This season they almost lost to the University of Northern Iowa Panthers and as I write this they are going to lose to Iowa. The only thing ISU has going for it is the rest of the Big 12 save for the Oklahoma schools and maybe Texas (hah, maybe not) is pretty beatable this season. So 6-7 wins tops, and a pathetic pre-New Year’s Eve bowl game? Sounds about right. I can thank my dad who graduated from there and my little sister who went there for brainwashing me into becoming a fan all these years. Thanks a lot!

I didn’t even touch on the fact that the whole Ames area is Trump country (yeech) or that they named the stadium after a poor guy who literally died on the field (fuck you Minnesota, never forget). This season will be spent watching Brock Purdy’s draft stock continue to swing downwards as each week progresses. At least Breece Hall is pretty cool-I look forward to him getting drafted by an NFL team that I don’t like, which is what happened to the previous other ISU running backs.

What isn’t overrated: Charlie Kolar is a legit beast and Xavier Hutchinson is fun to watch. Mike Rose is a monster.

Enjoy it while it lasts: Matt Campbell will absolutely go to OSU, Notre Dame or *insert coveted job here* the first chance he gets. Or at least that’s the consensus here anyways. Unless of course the Cyclones manage to taint any possibility of that happening. Go Clones! I’m just a sucker…