Horrorfest 2018 Presents: Don’t Go In The Woods (1981, James Bryan)


I never thought I would view a slasher film that is so trashy and bad it makes the Friday the 13th series appear to be cinematic art by comparison. Yet here we are with Don’t Go In The Woods, a really dumb and mostly poorly made excuse for a gore fest that never quite works. Instead James Bryan sets out to show as many horrific killings as possible by some crazed backwoods hillbilly, thus sacrificing everything else. I mean the Friday the 13th series at least had likable people to root for. This film has none of that.

Nope skip this lame flick and watch The Final Terror instead. Or go enjoy a slasher film such as Friday the 13th which is at least fun. Forget not going in the woods, how about not watching this movie? Yet I still viewed it anyways, because it was controversial and I am a sucker for 1980s slasher films. Oh well.

Horrorfest 2014 Presents: Child’s Play (1988, Holland)


While I still have yet to view the rest of the series I doubt any of the entries measure up to the original Child’s Play, directed by famous horror filmmaker Tom Holland. Despite the ridiculous nature of the film’s premise Holland never lets the material get out of hand or stop being really creepy. Everyone knows who Chucky is by now so the surprise of him being the killer is long gone, however this film was well directed and executed to the point where that didn’t matter. I’m reminded of Friday the 13th (1980) where in the modern era you know who the killer is and yet the film is suspenseful enough that having prior knowledge is mostly irrelevant to the film’s success. Also Brad Dourif brings Chucky to villainous life in a manner that only a good actor can do-after all, playing a doll is tough work. The film also benefits from the Chicago setting, which is utilized properly and adds to the film’s eerie atmosphere.

Plus this film has a great cast: Chris Sarandon in a rare good guy role, Catherine Hicks as Andy’s troubled mom, and of course Dourif plus Alex Vincent, who is one of those child actors that isn’t annoying in a horror movie. Even though killer doll movies aren’t the most scariest in the world, Child’s Play manages to be a really spooky and entertaining horror film with a chilling finale. I look forward to viewing the rest of the series even if my expectations will be lower-I have heard that the second one is rather underrated. The 80s has some really quality horror films and I think that Child’s Play is certainly one of those, even if it falls short of being a truly great horror film.

Happy Friday The 13th (Spo Spo Spoilers)


Great day. I consider it a holiday over fake ones such as Flag Day and Columbus Day. Anyways I realized that some of the Friday The 13th series entries could have been better. Or improved upon. Let’s start with Part III. Tons of spoilers btw so don’t read if you haven’t watched them all. Also the first film and Part II are fine as is, and I don’t really care about the remake. FVJ sort of counts but doesn’t and is awesome regardless.

Ah Part III. When the series really felt very 80s and had awful 3D. I got a headache from those cheap glasses that came with my copy. Oh and this should have been the film where Jason kills the Final Girl, named Chris. Calling her a Final Girl is an insult to the other, better Final Girls. There actually was an ending where Jason kills her so I’m not the only one who thinks this. However there are other aspects I would change.

Getting rid of the biker gang for one. They were terrible characters and could be written out. The opening had Jason killing people who lived near the lake. What if he had kept on doing that for a while before entering Camp Crystal Lake again? Regardless the film didn’t need extra random people to be victims. The main group had more than enough potential victims.

I would have loved it if Jason, unmasked after getting hit by the ax, chases down scared Chris and snaps her neck. The police, who arrived upon the scene, shoot him three times. End of film. Imagine if The Final Chapter could have opened with the same scene, only Jason is still alive so they take him to a hospital all chained up. Naturally he escapes and kills everyone there. Maybe that would have been too violent to pass MPAA censorship muster.

The Final Chapter is fine the way it is for the most part. Yet while I like and enjoy A New Beginning, having Roy be the murderer never made a lot of sense. No but having Tommy Jarvis be the new Jason would have been amazing. Even if that’s not the route that the film’s creators were willing to go down at the very least they could have gone with another mental patient. Anything but having such a crazy plot. Still they were able to keep the gore intact in this film. Not like….

…The New Blood. I wouldn’t change a thing about Jason Lives although Zombie Jason is a tad outrageous heh. Part Seven was butchered by the MPAA and thus us fans were denied what could have been an epic display of violence. If only the infamous sleeping bag kill could have properly happened. Also I wanted more Tina vs Jason. For a movie that featured a telekinotic teenager there wasn’t enough cool mind moving scenes. Otherwise I’m fine with this film since its the last time Jason was at Camp Crystal Lake.

Naturally everyone wants Jason Takes Manhattan to be remade. Can you imagine Jason killing people in Yankee stadium? Or tearing through Times Square instead of simply waking by it once? Someone needs to make this happen. I want Jason to battle people on The Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. Alas all us fans got was Jason Hangs Out In Manhattan For Five Minutes after a booze cruise. Boooo. This is where low budget filmmaking leaves you a little stranded.

Btw Jason X was so awful I pretend it never happened. Such a bad joke. Yet Jason Goes To Hell could have been salvaged. Keep the family storyline, dump the body swaping, have Duke and the FBI after Jason and still see him go to Hell at the end. I would have laughed had the woman at the beginning been killed right away by Jason instead of leading him into the trap. You would think Jason would be a little more clever. Also I liked the sleezy reporter in this film too, as that angle revealed that in fact Jason’s murders had actually received publicity finally.

I have ideas for two Jason films. One that I’ve had for years, the other I cooked up three years ago and which would be controversial in some ways. I’ll never tell though because I’m sure someone else already thought them up or someone might steal them. Happy Friday The 13th folks.

Friday the 13th Is Just A Day….Right?


On this day, Friday the 13th, we pause to remember the fallen-those who lost their lives at the hands of one individual: Jason Voorhees. The masked murder has been responsible for countless deaths since 1980, and is still rumored to be out in force today. We, the people, those who are lucky or smart enough to have avoided Camp Crystal Lake, need to observe a moment of silence for the fallen. Those poor souls who at times literally slit their own throats, made it easy for Jason to kill them-especially the unlucky campers who should have been going out the door instead of running upstairs. Its not easy to reflect on those we have lost, and after 33 years some of the locals have become numb to the pain, the death and suffering, the carriage.

With this in mind, I actually do not have a complete list of the dead mainly since proper records have been lost, but really mostly because there have just been so many even I’ve lost track. They even say that Jason is still out there, rooming the woods, carving up new victims and stalking his prey ever so carefully. He might even be behind you right now. As for reports that I am following a one Jason L. Voorhees on Twitter, well, um….

…HEY LOOK HE’S THERE! OVER THERE! RUN!

*Jumps into car and drives away*

 

NEVER FORGET

 

Friday the 13th Warning

 

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